


Dir zuliebe

by CinnamonCountess



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (ooc due to context and shifting viewpoint), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Heavy Angst, M/M, Ruler of Hell, Self-Reflection, Unhappy Ending, deals with potential FBAWTFT spoilers and theories, or not? you decide, psychological monograph, ramified path of redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 05:35:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9057958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonCountess/pseuds/CinnamonCountess
Summary: Decades of imprisonment in a secluded cell in Nurmengard can compel a person to self-reflect. After years of grim occlumency Gellert uncloses his mind and finds himself trapped in a maelstrom of alternative history. He would be ruling over a shattering world - with Albus loyally by his side. However, would a course of action in his favor affect the outcome preferably or rather deteriorate everything?





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [small_light](https://archiveofourown.org/users/small_light/gifts).



> This is a giftee as part of the Grindeldore Holiday Exchange for @small_light! I hope you'll enjoy it a little, even though this didn't turn out to be a fluffy story, forgive me. *bows* Apparently this is proof of me being unable to write happy Grindeldore. Oh, besides I'd like to note that I'm not an English native speaker and I didn't have a Beta to smooth away typos and grammatical errors. Yet I do hope this won't affect the comprehension while reading too massively! 
> 
> [As soon as I'll find the time I'm going to add a few more explanatory notes later on at the end of the OS]

_Clangorous bells of churches rang through the far vastness of the mountains._

_But it came through the frigid snow storm and heralded the midnight of the lord's parturition._

_There was no feasible explanation on why some people would celebrate this event._

_He never did._

_The lament screams whirring upwards from the lower stores of the tower would rise these days, another reason to despise these solemnities. Nestled deep underneath the thin blanket, his breath formed drizzling clouds in front of his eyes, slowly tailing off. As his sight blurred and his ears went almost numb he was half-aware of the subsequent scratching claws, flapping wings and yearning cry sounding down from above him._

_A wild kaleidoskop started spinning inside his head. Quite surreal sensations of deserted sceneries, high castles, clattering dishes, millions of faces. His eyelids began to flutter strainedly as it was too much. Way too much. Thereupon an urge to throw up boiling inside throat - but the rapid sequences didn’t stop. A consequence of finally opening his mind, letting go and failing to control his senses. No success in distinguishing between external and internal noises._

_Thus suddenly claws formed into buoyant strides._

_Flapping wings turned into swaying silk garments, streaking miraculously against each other._

_The screeching bird cries morphed into light laughter as hollow voices filled the air around him._

* * *

  **Roughly 70 years ago -**

Schönbrunn, Vienna. There was a raging storm outside, by no means did it tarnish the bright atmosphere in the seigneurial estate. An almost blinding gold shimmer illuminated the wide ballroom where, here in these magically sealed off castle wall, the Great Depression seemed to be far-flung. Hundreds of candles floated in the air and the wide hall. Light was reflected in the mirrors on each of the four walls and it seemed as if the room was endless. People were dancing and in the midst of movements he spotted him. Across the room, just stiffly stepping through the entrance, a firing flower wrapped in silver satin among the ashen patch. Tall, quite lean with a distinctive facial bone structure so sharp it could most likely cut through solid material. His long, red hair bound together in an elegant braid. Disdainfully and yet somewhat gloomy he let his gaze wander over the crowd. Apparently looking for no one and nothing specific. Purposefully Gellert stood up from his throne and picked his path through the dancing crowd. He stopped two steps before him, considering for a breath, smirking slightly before taking a grand bow.

 _„May I?“_ , Gellert asks politely and offered Albus his hand to take or deny. Albus smiled softly in return, his fingers gently passing over the other one’s palm. He let himself be swayed away, both now turning around each other in perfectly simultaneous motion. Their long shimmering satin robes nuzzling into each other, as they dared to take steps towards the middle of the room, all dancers withdrawing a bit, granting them space respectfully. Suddenly Albus seemed to stiff up a bit as Gellert with a magical hand movement connoted their musicians to lower their pace to a slow waltz.

„I’m not an exquisite dancer, I’m afraid.“, Albus confessed a little ashamed. The flaw of a perfectionist. „Ah, I’ll take the lead then. Try not to step on my feet though.“, Gellert laughed lightheartedly, putting a hand on Albus’ waist, who consequently placed a hand and immediately tightened the grip on his shoulder blade. „I wouldn’t dare to risk having a fatal spell cast on me.“, he chuckled softly in return and drew their bodies closer. Despite their height difference they could feel the warm breath vibrating on each others lips.

„So, how do you like this banquet that I’ve arranged for your bursar promotion? Quite a strenuous effort that was, especially recruiting a few hundreds of house elves in a rush. They’re getting rare nowadays.“ Albus paused and bite his bottom lip as they turned around together, making greater room for their dance. „You don’t seem to enjoy yourself, which makes me wonder.“, Gellert stated and gave him a questioning look, letting his fingertips brush from his pelvic over the silver embroided fabric of the coat that tightly covered Albus’ flat and pounding chest. As Albus didn’t answer he pushed forward more energetically.

„Tell me what’s making your forehead wrinkle in such intense evaluation, _my old man._ “, he requested teasingly. „I keep on pondering about a lot.“, Albus admitted, lowering his voice and taking in their surroundings, continuing to follow the movement of all the strange, dollish figures dancing in circles, as he thereupon avoided Gellert’s glance. „I doubt this is the right occasion to overthink.“, Gellert moved forwards in an attempt to start a new step sequence, freeing their spirits and thoughts. Albus didn’t quite succeed Gellert’s model, but instead licked his lips, finally speaking up. „For one I kept on wondering, where you intend to go from here on, Gellert?“

„I’d suggest, first of all you’ll step back with your right foot first, followed by your left one so I can move forward and then we should manage to take another graceful spin. You’re doing good so far, don’t worry.“ „Your political intentions, Gellert.“, Albus whispered in stern voice, not irritated by Gellert’s attempt to jokingly mock him. „Better _specify_ your question then.“, Gellert blew a whistle, leaning forward smirking into the red hair of his dancing partner before he turned Albus around in an impulsive push.

„We’re here now.“, Albus replied hesitantly and out of breath, composing himself from the quick twist. „We’ve achieved our initial aims. We’re masters of death and the world. But what now?“ „ _We live it._ We enjoy this privilege and every moment setting in for us. We …“, Gellert digressed, obviously not enjoying the course this conversation took. Over years of living side-by-side he could read Albus without taking glimpse of the outcome of their disputes and thus figuring out argumentative benefits. „We share this privilege with others. The usage of a mere possessive term does the difference.“, Albus added and affirmed his point. „Our manifesto is well constructed and forever durable if accurately carried out the way we wrote it. Others do benefit as well.“, Gellert countered, not intending to eat the humble pie on this matter.

„This life is becoming dreary, don’t you see.“, Albus noted as he seemed to grasp the futile attempt of his. Gellert smirked and cleared the last barrier of air between them, pulling the slender body of the other closer to his chest, touching and slightly rubbing against it. „How can it be, with both of us making discoveries every day?“, he let his hand slip down Albus backside. Inattentively, taking a few strands of his hair in between his fingers, feeling the texture. „We’re blinded. We do not guarantee this privilege and well-being of others. We ignore the already rising disturbances in the muggle world. Muggle borns, muggle born magicians…they are like us. They _can be_ like us.“ „ _Certainly._ Let us ignore occurrences happening all the time since the existence of our magical community, even though there is evidence on how much damage it caused us. See, how much it effects the non-magical society as well, the contaminated effect in form of a mere squib.“, slowly Gellert felt something alarming boiling up inside him, but he tried to suppress it. There was still a chance the mood wouldn’t be completely ruined. „Squibs are no parasites who should be blamed for their pitiful condition, they shouldn’t be excluded.“ „Yet they are _designed_ to be because their ancestors decided to break a law against our natural stipulation.“, Gellert concluded, raising an eyebrow in bemusement. „ _You’re grinch, Albus._ A smart and very eloquent one for sure. Barely any scholar longs to be lectured on issues of the past that were resolved in beneficial solutions. Especially in relation to indifferent viewpoints. Admittedly, this is a rare instant between us, as we usually pull in the same direction.“

„Based on your point of view, how about us gaining values through this sincerity as well?“, Albus retorted and pushed Gellert back, who was taken by astonishment at this unexpected physical response. Albus was visibly taking leadership in their dance now and Gellert more or less reluctantly submitted. „As much as I’d like to appreciate ideal conceptions, I can’t see it happen. We’re not the only cruel and selfish creatures in this world.“ He paused and studied Albus reaction. „As I say _‚we’_ \- certainly, you are far from being a great moralizer. Don’t pretend to be one. You don’t fool me.“, Gellert replied with a smile, but an underlying tone of definiteness resonates alongside it.

„Obviously I do possess a clearer perspective on certain issues than you, my friend and I’d rather comprehend matters too late than never.“ „ _‚Friend?‘_ Pah, flagrant.“ Irately he did draw Albus hip closer to his, which briefly made said eyelids flutter over his crystalline pupils.

„What about family?“, Albus retorted non-chalantly against a golden lock of his hair, blowing it off his shoulders. „ _You are my family_ , you dense bloke and I’m all yours.“, he whispered and anger rushed through the tone of his voice, his grip tightening around Albus’ hips as he pushed him away in a shapely twist. He might have spotted a glittering tear in the corner of Albus’ eyes, as he drew his friend closer again and quickly felt a struck of regret lingering deep down in his chest. They tried to save Ariana, but she died at the age of sixteen. The obscurus ate her breathing body alive and away. Aberforth never recovered from this incident and neglected his older brother, obviously upbraiding him. Nonetheless Albus was never alone - Gellert would always be by his side. _He would never leave him._

„Other families, why won’t they deserve this well-being. These are multiple hearts beating in the same rhythm, they do have strength, they manage to live their lives without advantages and live seemingly happy. Overall at least. Magic only makes it easier for us. Doesn’t that turn us into the weak ones?“ „We possess a greater deal of power than any other living being of our kind and therefore have the responsibility to rule over everyone. Muggles live faster, die quicker and are generally more fragile and physically useless. I feel like we had this conversation before…“ „A human could smash an insect, but an insect could kill a grown-man within a few seconds.“, Albus muttered and Gellert’s mouth formed into a thin line. He genuinely endorsed hearing and considering the objections of his friend, but not when these happen to steer in the very wrong direction. „We don’t execute this power rightfully.“, Albus continued, „What right do we have to decide over the fate of so many individuals from a segregating viewpoint.“

„ _Someone has to make these decisions. There is no way to satisfy every single soul, don’t you understand?_ “, Gellert whispered, gradually becoming furious at his friend. „How would you know if you never paved out this allowance.“, Albus retorted calmly, „We didn’t establish a base for this, we don’t mediate, instead we shut ourselves away. We provoke the weak ones to rise against us. Wizard and muggle history tells us that this is the safest way for an empire to fall down in pieces.“ „But what _can_ they do? Take the Second Salem if you will, a bunch of bunglers. They’d never harm us, how could they without any considerable abilities to stand as our equals. We’d laugh at their attempts! We could withstand an army of muggles. _We_ both could! This is dense, Albus.“ It felt just like a deja-vu. Even though he didn’t quite grasp the purpose of this conversation and why Albus kept on insisting. „Now, tame your brilliant mind, darling.“ A tough request for a cussed man like you, Gellert thought.

„Allow me, I did have the time to observe the changes in our surroundings and came to worthy conclusions. Situations can be rectified. Not easily, only if you care enough, Gellert.“ „Just…“, he paused as Albus gaze deeply hold him in place, he couldn’t avert it. Instead he blinked and his breath hardened under the attempt to remain calm. „ _Just_ …Let it be, alright. Your position is untenable and my point of view is clear. I can see that this is the right way and I’ve never deceived you, have I.“, Gellert whispered now composing himself, his hand reaching forward and brushing Albus’ cheek in tremble. Who, surprisingly nodded dolefully in return.

„But only questioning one’s stance entails improvement and a secure journey for all.“, Albus replied as his voice was still filled with sincerity, but he clinged into the soft touch of Gellert’s hand. The music faded away. Thereupon Gellert decelerated his pace and gradually moved his hands down and up Albus chest, circling around his engraved chin, tracing the feather-edged parts of his facial features. „ _Really?_ Do I have to win your trust all over again?“, forbiddingly he let his fingers slip right under the collar of Albus’ vest, which was moved up and down by his even pulse. „I do trust in the true nature of your aptitude after all, or else I wouldn’t be here.“

 _„Then confide in my word.“_ , Gellert whispered huskily as his finger tips brushed upwards against the pulsating carotid. They kept on spinning, one time, two times, countless times before the sound of music hushed completely. Slowly their consciousness seems to fade into dizziness. „Your words.“, Albus replied but it felt like he swallowed the last part of his response, a starving blackness swimming in the depth of his pupils and leaned into his touch.

Even though slim traces of sweat were streaming down his throat, as Gellert tenderly traced it he came to realize how cold Albus skin felt. Like touching a dead still clump of ice and involuntary sticking to it.

 

* * *

A different scene, but a similar time. Far later, arriving in a social and political transition as the snowflakes turned bloody red. A lot has changed over the course of years. Small civil unrests afflicted their kingdom like a plague. Certainly they've managed to cast down the riots, but an absence of diplomatic resolution only retained a silence temporarily. The social cauldron continued to seethe dangerously. Gellert never pretended to frown upon this matter, he realized it but choose to stand still, whilst Albus emulated his deeds.

Through these circumstances the peculiar tension between them grew stronger, especially as Albus educed a sudden penchant to build up emotional and physical distance. Even though it stunned Gellert at times he couldn't reach him, it didn't bother him too much and thus he continued to ignore it. They were growing older and harder in these restless times, even around each other. A specious, yet very convenient excuse. Calmly he played with the emerald ring that Albus gave him as a birthday gift when they took a trip to Hamburg, visiting one of the oldest goblin goldsmiths in Europe. _'The color matches your eyes'_ , he'd say. A compulsive smile that didn't match the gentleness of his words would grace his face, which still made Gellert frown as he thanked him tenderly and later on would trace his gratitude up and down on his naked body.

Now leaning back on the lounge of their favorite common room, recalling these intimate events, he would observe his friend cautiously, whilst letting his fingers draw the countryside of his hometown on his back. Albus sat cross-legged in front of him, his front turned towards the crackling chimney fire as he unpacked the christmas present Gellert gave him. It was barely wrapped, but as Albus continued to tear the paper apart, Gellert could feel the exact second his rather enthusiastic behavior shifted back towards a strange absence. Instantly Gellert paused and waited for his lover to turn around. Albus lifted himself up and faced him, tightening the grip on his present, a cosy piece of clothing. "Thank you.", he breathed out stiffly and gazed down. He closed his piercing blue eyes and thereupon felt, smelled, tenderly touched every fibre of the cotton sweater. „Take it on, please.“, Gellert demanded gently but in a quite severe tone, „I’ve assumed this would be appropriate as I don’t want you to freeze to death. Particularly since you've somehow managed to retain the temperature of an ice chunk, despite the fact that every room is equipped with giant bluebell flames." 

Thereupon he let his mind wander to pleasant memories. "Remember back then when we were young and I subtly dragged you into that ice water of Godric Hollow’s gaunt lake?“ „How could I forget the day I almost drowned, because I was too gullible and followed you.“, Albus replied wryly and blinked as he carefully strapped himself off his robe and in a swift motion put on the sweater. „Well, I _saved_ you.“, Gellert added calmly as he observed him in genuine admiration. „You kissed me.“, Albus recalled and the remembrance seemed to reflect on the surface of his widened pupils. It was the first time they’d lay their lips on each other, though by far not the last.

„De facto, I revived you with my mouth. Situational measures as a shock spell didn’t seem to bring you back and I was concerned you wouldn’t take the more painful approaches too well.“, Gellert corrected smiling at the notion of Albus laying spread out in front of him, slowly taking in oxygen, regaining his breathe. Gradually peering into the clouded sky as if he’d just been reborn, like a phoenix and then resting his bemused gaze on a visibly exhausted Gellert.  „Indeed you seemed quite… _distracted_ when you came back to your senses.“ A visible blush spread across his face as Albus chin seemed to be swallowed by his pullover momentarily, which amused Gellert in a tender way. „Did you notice?“, Gellert moved forward and pointed towards a specific pattern just beneath the edge of the pullover’s right sleeve. Albus finally recognized the golden embroided letter on the woolly garment. „‚A‘…for Ariana…’A’ for Aberforth…“, he murmured and his countenance stiffened. „ _A‘ for Albus._ “, Gellert insisted and his brow decreased slightly, forming a black shadow just above his tired eyelids. "Of course.", Albus facial expression solidified and he turned his back towards him again. 

 

* * *

There were opalescent ice crystals on the windows, which prevented them to look outside, on that fatal day the world crashed. They took walks, they pushed back enemies but couldn't stop the fire to stoke high, except this time it was aimed at them. Where the symmetric flower fields would grow in spring soon there would be traces of blood. Several rows of condemned magicians, muggles and muggleborns stood in the wide gardens just in front of the balcony from which they'd look down on them. A mass of trapped insurgents who deserved no mercy after they tried to conduct a lethal conspiracy against them. Naive, weak fools. Only a few would beg, pray and whimper for the last time, some stood still and said nothing. Emptiness and inexpressiveness reflected in their eyes, holding their heads high instead of bowing them down in shame. They excepted their fates aware that their purpose would never die with them if the situation wouldn't change in their favor.

Gellert commandingly raised the Elder Wand and his hands up in the thundering sky, hesitatingly. He shot a quizzical sideglance towards Albus, who stood faithfully at his side, like he always did. Not interfering. Not questioning his actions since that banquet night years ago. A lack of empathy in the gaze he shot through his demilune shaped glasses, as he nodded in encouragement. Not showing the slightest sign of affection for the agitators of different age, skin-color, gender and magical or non-magical ancestry below. He waited for him to execute the penalty. Gellert grip tightened around the wand as he invoked the storm and turned it into green light. 

 As they turned their backs towards the field of deceased and intended to step inside the castle, Gellert clutched the shoulder of his friend, firmly suggesting him to pause. 

„You could’ve stopped me there, Albus. You are the only one who could. Yet you didn’t. How unusual.“

Albus stayed in stillness, seemingly trying to find the right words to answer. „Over the course of time I’ve seen more bodies than today. Constantly confronted with a situation you will reach a point where you’re getting used to it.“ He shrugged the issue off as if they weren't talking about the deadly fate of thousands, but a mere game of chess between two ordinary people that one of them would most definitely lose, but wouldn't cost him a body part, only encourage him to win next time.

„Well...good.“, Gellert whispered and let him go. Yet he felt the usually amused curl of his lips betraying him as instead of reflecting delightfulness it moved down in unease. Standing still for a moment he watched Albus stepped away into the shadows. You changed after all and for my sake, Gellert thought and felt a severe heaviness dragging at his inside. He was the reversed side of our coin once. He _used_ to be sanity. He _used_ to be equilibrium.

 

* * *

Another harsh winter costing the lives of a thousand innocent souls. Some were still loyal but many died, many more gathered all their remaining might to withstand.

The social tragedy they inflicted upon their own kingdom, epidemically destroying itself.  

„They’re dying, Albus. There is a sea of fire outside.“

„Very soon we’ll be swept away as well.“, Albus answered, his voice as collected as ever, and he switched the side of the book he was reading. Nineteen Eighty-Four, by some bloke named George Orwell. Muggle literature, but Gellert couldn't care less. 

„No, we won’t. _I won’t allow it._ “ Gellert's nervously paced up and down, the straps of his boots clattering with every step. 

„So", Albus finally looked up at him and responded with various raspy coughs, "aren’t you welcoming death then?" His health condition did become considerably frail over the last months. 

„We have defeated it, remember? The hallows are ours.“ Except the hallows didn’t bring us what we desired, Gellert muttered in addition, look at where we are now. Barely alive in the realm we so tediously built together, our dreams and hope manifested in reality. 

As the war strings tightened around them and bereaved them, while his former better half continued to turn into a puppet of lost obstinacy. Ultimately Gellert would realize that it was him, him alone, who had to decide whether the denouement would bring them out safely.

His head was spinning and a burning sickness took over, a mixture of fright and discontent penetrating his mind and a virtual inability to defuse the situation.

It was him who finally shouted at Albus to go away, leave him, shift his mind and side, to regain his strength, his very own will and...and...

_To slay the hungry monster inside him._

 

* * *

Revolution took over and alone he stood, eventually indulging and fleeing. Gladly they never caught him otherwise he'd be captivated for good. Certainly it would have been the best solution as he could not deny to be an unpredictable mass murderer, but he, grown older and physically weaker, wouldn't be on the run for long anyway. They would most likely catch him before he would reach his last destination. The freezing coldness devouring his naked soles as he walked down the town, losing count on the abandoned alleys that he dragged himself through, not having a clue where to go from here. Finally giving in on finding an escape, he slipped down at a dark, hidden corner of masonry. Distant cheers of ease getting through his ear as he sank.

After an indefinite while elapsed, he heard the sound of determined paces approach him. They jerked to a halt just in front of him. Gellert would recognize these long, shapely legs miles away, hence didn't even attempt to look upward at the arrival's face.   

"They are expecting me to hunt you down.", a simple statement and he couldn't help but smirk at the irony of that. "I can determine with little doubt that you are no threat anymore."

"Do you think I didn't mean it when I told you to go away back then? _I did._ Leave me.", Gellert dared to look up, blinked and turned away, disgruntled and hurt. Albus didn't go, instead he waited. But neither of them said a word for a dozen of exhalations. Albus stood and watched his friend curled about as the snow covered his haggard stature, his lips blue with cold. Finally he stepped forward, bending downwards and resting on his knees as the snow cracked underneath him. Gellert sharply sucked in the pointed air, suddenly pushing forward and roughly clawing into the collar of his friend's coat, shaking him in despair. 

„Are you at ease now, Albus? This is what you wanted, right? Having me crawl at your feet. You are a far greater bastard than I ever was. These gold and pure shining amor you'd like to grace yourself with doesn’t suit you!“

„Our concept was never meant for the real world.“, Albus replied and blew a cloud of warm air towards him. He could see the harm and cost, but didn’t reply. „As you realized that I reckon you’ve grown, love.“

It's your fault, all your fault. For your sake. Leave me alone, I'd rather decay in midst of this. _„Alles deinetwegen. Lass mich bloß in Ruhe. Lieber verrotte ich hier, als…als… “_ , Gellert retorted feeling his skin crawl and goosebumps slowly spreading over his very alive skin, a sudden wave of uncommon emotions that overtook him, as Albus gradually released his violent grip - pressing his vibrant, hot palms over his skeletal wrist, stroking him affectionately.

„You can’t hold together an agile world with both of your hands.“ „Together we should have four hands.“, Gellert swallowed and look up, slightly dazzled by the contour of his friend. „Mine were always covering the back of yours, slowly starting to shiver while doing so. I followed your movements, I was aware of them, yet I didn’t stop them even though I could have. I do, however, carry the same amount of fault that you do, it is a _we_ as you furiously pointed out rightfully. We share many things. And even though it took you quite long, I’m relieved you’ve realized it is in _our_ might to step back and buckle down in shame for the general welfare.“

 _In this part of the story I never let him choose,_ Gellert already understood this, _and yet he was foolish enough to stay by my side._ This is not the way it should have been, this was not who Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore was. In fact he was far from allowing to anyone to move his limbs with iron strings. 

„This is an impasse, though.“, Gellert sighed in response and Albus moved forward to place a floating kiss on his cheek. „My hands…your hands…there are too many blood stains on our hands, Albus. _Too many._ Impossible to wash them away!“

This was far from being a true occur, this could not be. Albus would have never allowed this to happen. He would have put him back in place, shake him until he would overthink his actions. „We can’t and shouldn’t get rid off the reminder of our mutual ignorance. Maybe someday we’ll be able to see the surface structure on our skin.“, Albus replied woefully and pressed their hands together, thermal seething rubicund liquid running down beneath their fingers.

Never would Gellert wish for it to become real, for Albus to follow him and stay at his side, delving deeper into his persuasion. I’m glad you didn’t. No, you actually didn't, Gellert remarked.

He almost didn’t feel the touch, but he felt himself starting to quiver. Gellert moaned in painful response, pale faced and a gentle tear gathering in the corner of his eyes. _Und doch ist es viel zu spät für Reue,_ Gellert thought. He did withdraw himself from Albus and dwindled into a bundle in a snowy corner, breathing unsteadily. Too late, damage beyond repair. His left toe could freeze off and he wouldn’t make a sound. Instead of letting go, letting him freeze.

Albus warm body moved closer, finally looking at him directly, the most gentle smile tracing his mouth. He placed both his hands on both of his cheeks, lifting his face up like a fractured porcelain doll. Suddenly a familiar and strange wave of warmth hit him hard, spread through his skin. He shook and tried to push him away again, he wanted to draw himself back into coldness as he couldn’t handle it. After all these years, he didn’t know, he still couldn’t comprehend how to react to that.

„I’m disappointed that you won’t kill me completely. It’s unlike you to get something done ineffectual, Albus. _On the other hand…_ “, Gellert whispered bitterly and shaky, but instead Albus closed the distance between them, fieriness melting away coldness and leaving burnt traces along the way as breathes mingled into each other. „Yes, because it’s you.“ Gellert sighed in frustration. „Silently, I’ve begged and hoped there would be a flicker of comprehension in you, I’m glad I didn’t give up.“

No, no, no. Don't be fooled again, don't let yourself get dragged in by my persuasion. Haven't you learned one bit? Gellert exclaimed in thoughts, but Albus wouldn't hear him anyway as he kept his mind shut from external penetration.

Bullshit, dickhead, Dummkopf, Arschloch, Mistkerl, Egoist, were among thousands of responses Gellert wanted to say in this mere second, but didn’t.

„I’m proud of you.“, Albus caressed the blonde’s cheek and drew him in a gentle hug. _„So proud.“_ Gellert wordlessly leaned into his touch, his fingers clawing into the fibres of the other ones coat, a sudden rush of emotions, never wanting to let go. He looked up and straight into the teary blue eyes, a flicker of relief drawing him in. Albus didn't stand by his side, they parted ways, it only worked that way. He was warm, he was himself again, the only one Gellert truly allowed to rip him apart. 

„Unbelievable, I never told you just how beautiful you are, didn’t I?“, Gellert susurrated, almost inaudible, tears still visible in the corners of his eyes. He was taking in by the kindness and heat running through his veins just from the touch of Albus. „Coming from you is this a communicable disease after all?“ Albus laughed in genuine amusement, the one that Gellert craved for and made his heart jump in an instant. 

„We can start over. Now I’ll wait. _I’ll wait for you._ “, Albus kissed him again, deeper this time. „Soon we’ll be each other’s and everything will be different.“ There was a flicker of light in Gellert’s gaze and a slight smile spread across his mouth. He took his friend’s hand and stood up with shaky limbs. „Trust me, I’ll wait.“ He let go of his hand and Gellert could feel the strong weight on his feet, shaking and weak. _Take me with you_ , he cried out. In the dim light through snow flakes and a quick blink Albus was gone.   

* * *

  _Anger._ _Bargaining._ _Depression._ _Grief._ _Acceptance._

 _The bird cries were getting louder, almost unbearable, suddenly they silenced. Gellert opened his eyes and stubbornly commanded body to stand up, grab a meal ration and walk towards the tiny window. Shakingly reaching up as much as his remaining muscles would allow him to, he would hand the food that he’d disinclined to eat himself over to the vigorous phoenix. The bird cried gratefully._ _He’d visit at least once every winter, every day for the past year. And in the midst of night, deep in his cell Gellert could smell, hear and feel the snow flakes falling, a thin blanket covering his old, pale and malnourished body. And he would know that it won’t be long till he’d arrive at his side. A gullible snake would crawl up the fortress, definitely sending him back into the warm and merciful arms he longed for. The ones belonging to his royal moralizer, his savior. And maybe, maybe then when this moment would arrive, he’ll be able to finally see the surface structures of his skin underneath the tainted stains._

**Author's Note:**

> A few translations of german phrases that I've used:
> 
> Dir zuliebe = for your sake  
> "Alles deinetwegen. Lass mich bloß in Ruhe. Lieber verrotte ich hier, als…als…" = "It's all your fault. Leave me alone. I'd rather rot here than...than..."  
> "Und doch ist es viel zu spät für Reue" = "And yet it is far too late for remorse."
> 
> I guess Gellert's swearing phrases are self-explanatory, ha.


End file.
